(i) this article is satire.
Just in from the president’s desk, The United States has officially announced a 65% tariff on California and its products to pressure it into leaving the union. Betraying one of the U.S’s most favorite Smart Tech exporters, California isn’t taking this lying down.
The U.S is determined to cut them out, their new PSA campaign aims to convince people “We can live without them.” “We will buy our smartphones from Taiwan and our surf boards from Jamaica, California is a tumor infecting innocent states like Idaho and Texas, and what you do with a tumor is pop it. And California will pop.”
A proposed map of the United States if the tariffs work to remove california
The California department of economic development is tarrifing the U.S right back on all products, forming a close trade bond with several African countries to ensure there is enough food to feed the state.
“We are not leaving! They will come crawling back to us, groveling on their knees to keep us in the union when federal employees can’t use ChatGPT to draft their emails and the masses can’t afford the new Iphone 16 Pro Max.” says a representative from the CDED.
But this economic warfare is hurting consumers and business owners the most. Movie theatre owners can’t afford to screen hollywood movies and have turned to showing french independent films to little success. “All I want is to watch the latest Mission Impossible movie but now I can only afford to see La double vie de Véronique” says an Iowa native. “Sure Cali and their paper straws are annoying but this is just worse for everyone.” says a Missouri resident.
Countries around the world, both allied with California and not, are criticizing the U.S’s unkind actions, expressing hesitance to increase trade with the U.S. Time will tell if these risky tariffs will pay off for the U.S or if they are burning valuable relationships with the world.
