Photo by: Ryan Finke

An Alien Invasion in the Timberline Cafeteria

By: Ryan Finke, Writer

We all know that Timberline has been INFESTED with aliens for a long time now. But some of you simple-minded fools just can’t quite process this. Even though I shouldn’t have to inform you about the obvious invasions, I have just found indisputable evidence of the aliens at Timberline. If you don’t believe in aliens after you read this, I am convinced that you are one of them. 

Photo by: Ryan Finke
Imposter alien student by the lockers

The government has been paying the media off for a while now, but I am no fool. I will not accept bribes from a system that thinks it can control me. I am simply using my 1st amendment rights to rightfully inform the public of the aliens trying to take over the world. My voice will be heard, and I pray that our world will be freed from these invasive… things. 

Just so you don’t think I’m one of those crazy conspiracy theorists, I asked some students at Timberline about their experiences with aliens. A good friend of mine:  Noah Danielson (12th grade) said, “I have seen aliens in the cafeteria and in the auditorium and in the men’s bathroom by room 206.” I haven’t experienced any bathroom aliens yet, but I can only imagine how scary that would be while trying to relieve yourself. Another reliable source named Ian Kahler (12th grade) stated, “It’s obviously clear that there are aliens at Timberline and there is no question about it.” Very good Ian, I will get that money to you as soon as possible. When asked if there are aliens at Timberline, Dillan O’Shea (12th grade) noted that “there are a couple of goofy guys.” I’m not sure if we can determine the gender of these aliens yet, but I know that Dillan’s word can be trusted.

Photo by: Ryan Finke
Alien in a cloud at the end of the hallway

As you can see, I have been lucky enough to capture some of these alien encounters. It’s hard to get a clear picture, but thanks to my excellent photography skills, I believe this is clear evidence of aliens at Timberline. Capturing the image in the cafeteria, was the craziest experience for me. I was being swarmed by aliens attempting to abduct me, and I was nearly captured by one of their tractor beams. Thankfully, I was wearing my tin foil hat, so their magic did not work on me. This is what made me publish this article. I fear that if I keep risking my life trying to capture more photos, I may not have the time to publish my findings. 

I hope that this stays on the internet, but the government may try and shut me down. As a reader, I ask you to spread the word before it’s too late. And next time you walk the halls of Timberline, beware of the aliens lurking in the corners.

Photo by: Ryan Finke
Alien spotted in the art hallway




Disclaimer: I’m not sure if aliens are actually at Timberline.